9/22/2009

Fixing me...




I have never been satisfied with the way that I look. There is always something that I can find to pick apart. Now that I am a mother to a little girl I have realized that I must change this about myself. The last thing that I want to do is give my little girl a self-image problem. With all the pressures on girls today to look "perfect," I want my girl to always know she is beautiful on the inside and out just the way she is. If I keep up with some of the bad habits that I have I will not be giving her the example that she will need, and this breaks my heart. I find myself constantly saying "I'm so fat" or "I hate my hair." I know that my husband gets tired of hearing me say these things all of the time. It is almost like I am looking for constant reassurance and I know that this has to be a pain. How does one go about changing something about themselves that has been so ingrained for so long?

Where did all of this self-criticism come from? One thing I do know is that for my entire adult life I have been a slave to the scale. It started in high school with mandatory weigh-ins for the dance team. Follow that up with 14 years of weigh-ins and a certain image that had to be maintained in the Marine Corps. I swore that when I started life after the Marine Corps I would throw that scale away and never pick it up again. Well, that didn't quite happen. I think that I have weighed myself more this past year then ever before. It didn't help that after having Amelia my thyroid decided to just quit on me. This has made it hard trying to lose the baby weight. I probably weigh myself several times a day. After several months on medication I am starting to finally get back on track and starting to lose some baby weight. What will it take to be happy though? I can remember back to a time when I was super fit and wearing a size 6 on a 5'6" frame and thinking that I could stand to lose 15 pounds. When do you start being comfortable in your own skin?

So, today I find myself soul-searching, looking for ways to "fix" myself. It breaks my heart to think of my little girl questioning who she is because of things I say or do. I make sure that I tell my baby girl how beautiful she is everyday, even when she looks a hot mess with food in her hair! I know that she will need to hear me say that I love myself and that I think I'm pretty instead of constantly seeing me on the scale. I pray that one day I really will be able to be comfortable in my skin, just the way I am.

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3 comments:

tara September 22, 2009 at 3:51 PM  

Alison, what an honest post...I hear ya girl..loud and clear. I think the best way to start is to understand that you will always want to change something and wish for something, but it won't always be. We have to start looking at the things we do have over the things we want....I know it is hard, I struggle too...but putting that effort you use daily by getting on the scale and complaining toward positive thoughts and less worry will make a big difference, I think at least! that is what I tell myself!
Little Amelia will I am sure at some point doubt herself as well, and there you will be to reinforce the positive thoughts for her! :)

Kasey September 22, 2009 at 6:53 PM  

it is so hard to try and be ourselves in front of our little girls....
i struggle...very hard and not always being forthright.
kudos to you!
xo
love the header.

Lissa September 22, 2009 at 10:49 PM  

I used to struggle a lot. Now that's gone and I'm trying to think how. I know I started running and that made me feel strong. I also had so many *bigger* issues in my life that I guess the looks just didn't matter anymore. Keep going! You're right about not wanting to teach that to your daughter! you can do it!

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I am a wife, and mother to three beautiful babies (well..one is not so much a baby anymore)! In 2009 I departed my career of 14 years to stay at home with my babies. That first year I thought that I might just go crazy....I survived! The road has been bumpy but gets better everyday. I might even be getting a little more domesticated along the way! I'm learning to love this path that my life has taken. Can't wait to see what's next!

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