Finding balance...

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This past year has really been an eye opener for me. I have been a mom for over 13 years but a "full-time" mom for only the past year. This is not saying that working mothers are not full time mommies, it's just my way of sorting it all out! I spent the last 14 years in the Marine Corps and for almost 13 of them, I was a mother. Anyone that knows a thing about the military, knows that the military comes first. For all of those years, I lived with constant guilt. I missed so many of my son's firsts. I missed so many little moments that I can never get back. I spent many sleepless nights wondering how my decisions would effect him further on in his life. It seemed like we never had enough time together. I tried to make every little moment that we did have together count. However, I always felt like I was falling short. Back then it was just the two of us and at the time it seemed to be the best decision for us to remain in the Corps. Over two years ago, I married my son's father (which is entirely a whole other story) and we decided to have another child! I could not imagine bringing up another child in the Marine Corps. So, I made the decision to end my career 6 years short of a retirement. I struggled with this decision for a long time. This was a decision that I am still not entirely at peace with. Being a Marine defined who I was. It was more than a career for me, it was an entire way of life. It brought me so much pride and satisfaction knowing that I was serving my country, however small the part. I miss it everyday.

I now know that being a stay at home mom is the hardest job EVER. I struggle with my new "job" everyday. Some days I feel like I am a complete and utter failure. I am struggling to define the "new" me. Well, I am definitely no longer missing any of the little moments! I see every little detail now! The good, the bad, and the ugly. I used to be a leader of troops. People listened to me and did what I said. Try telling that to a spirited 11 month old! SHE DOESN'T CARE!

There is no immediate gratification in this job. Not contributing to the income has been hard for me. I should be thankful that we are in a position where it isn't dire for both of us to bring in an income. Thinks could be worse.

I know that it takes time to fully adjust, I just didn't know it would be so hard. I cringe at being described as a "housewife"! Not that being a housewife is a bad thing, it is a very honorable and often thankless job. This past year I have learned some things about myself. I don't have it all figured out, but I am working on it everyday. I guess you could say that I am just trying to find my balance.